In no particular order, here are 10 things you don’t want to hear Bill Gates say:

1. “The next Windows release will require a credit card number at activation, and will automatically bill you at the start of every month.”
2. “A name has been decided on for ‘Codename Vienna’. It will be Windows Mirage.”
3. “You don’t have to worry about adware being installed without permission anymore. Now the advertisers go through us. Your hourly pop-up ad will be delivered through Windows itself instead of a hazardous adware program.”
4. “Since no one liked our talking paperclip in Microsoft Office, we’re giving Internet Explorer a talking donut.”
5. “What, Firefox 3 is out? Send out the Orcs!”
6. “Google had good luck with the ‘invitation only’ approach, so we’re doing the same thing with Hotmail. To get an account you have to either get an invitation from an existing user or bring us a shrubbery.”
7. “We got so many comments about Windows XP crashing a lot, we decided to build that feature into Vista, too!”
8. “Oh, enough of all this Windows stuff already. Just proclaim me your king and send me $500 every year.”
9. “Internet Explorer 8 will be based of the Geico Rendering Engine. I believe that’s the same one Firefox is based off?” [NOTE: Firefox is based off the Gecko engine. ]
10. “Due to complaints about Vista’s sluggishness, we’re releasing a fifteen gigabyte service pack that should correct the problem.”

Originally posted on Feb 26, 2007 on redwallhp.ntugo.com.

In no particular order, here’s 21 things you should definitely NOT say to Bill Gates:

1. “How many songs do you have on your iPod, Bill?”
2. “Gee, Vista sure looks familiar… Now where have I seen something like that?…”
3. “Can I borrow $399?”
4. “What Linux distro would you recommend?”
5. “I’m gonna go buy a Mac. See ya!”
6. “I won’t be buying a Zune anytime Zune!”
7. “So you’re saying I should pay actual money to upgrade to Vista so my computer will run slower?“
8. “How about bundling a good browser, like Firefox, with windows?”
9. “The Rebels have released Version 10.5, Lord Vader.”
10. “Would you like to buy a Firefox T-Shirt?”
11. “Why should I need to buy antivirus protection from Microsoft? Shouldn’t it be built in?”
12. “Why is my Hotmail account filled with spam from MSN?”
13. “Hey, Billbossa! Why isn’t the spyware gone?”
14. “Why is there a talking paperclip invading my word processor?”
15. “One browser to rule them all.”
16. “Think Different.”
17. “Can you make Windows more Mac-like?”
18. “That’s all you can make after six years?”
19. “Sorry, can’t talk now. I’ve got to go sell the rest of my Microsoft stock.”
20. “Want a GMail invite?”
21. “Another Windows release? Time to get out the old typewriter…”

Originally posted on Feb 25, 2007 0n redwallhp.ntugo.com.